To Understand Death
by Lai Jun Chen
Summary: Allen had been born to duty and sacrifice and the salvation of everyone and everything else. Yet, he still held hope for the future. Hope: Perhaps mankinds greatest attribute.


This is really just an analytiacal, hypothetical, drabble sort of thing. It's just a hypothetical on Allen's thoughts of the years since started training to be an Exorcist and his possible hopes for the future, I guess. I don't know where the idea came from or anything. The first quote is one of my favorites though, so that may have something to do with it.

Anyhow, I hope you like it and don't just dismiss it because it's more a drabble than a full story.

I don't own -Man.

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><p><strong>To Understand Death<strong>

"_The courage we desire and prize is not the courage to die, but to live." _

Allen had heard this quotation once before, long ago, when he'd first been taken in by Cross. But he'd never understood it. Wasn't it death that was supposed to be frightening? Wasn't it the way in which one _died_ that mattered? Was he supposed to live life in a manner that reflected how he wished to die or was he to die in a way that resembled how he had lived? He had only been twelve years old and he could make no sense of it.

The Akuma were death incarnate and they had been his entire life, so there was no difference in how he lived and how he died. He _literally_ lived for death. He couldn't help it. But then Lenalee had come into his life, followed shortly thereafter by Lavi, and suddenly he realized that he was jumping towards the living to save them, rather than jumping towards the dead to free them. Suddenly he wanted to live for the humans and the Akuma, the dead as well as the living…

_Suddenly_ Allen understood the quotation he'd heard what seemed like a lifetime ago.

"_Death is the easy way out. Death is the end. In death one forfeits everything, relinquishes everything, leaves everything behind. In death one is granted peace. It is through a fulfilled life that one is supposed to earn that peace. Be worthy of it."_

Allen Walker finally understood what it meant to be alive. He'd finally dug himself out of the grave of '_Mana'_ where he'd left so much of himself nearly four years ago. He had been so sure that he didn't deserve to live... so he hadn't. Living for others, living for revenge, atonement, guilt, grief… that was not life. That was (often meaningless) self-sacrifice and enslavement. At first he'd swathed himself in atonement, following Cross around the world.

By the time he entered the Dark Order he'd nearly out grown the suffocating cloak of atonement and had replaced it with the ball and chain that was duty. Truly, duty was no better than slavery. Duty was the word used by those who held the keys to your chains and thought to try to _justify_ their enslavement of you- by any means necessary. Duty was the word used to induce a sense of guilt and moral necessity in unwitting victims.

It was through duty that the Exorcists were brainwashed into believing that _someday_ they _might_ finally _earn_ peace. Through duty they would earn their place in heaven, their happily ever after, their freedom… their very lives. There was very little chance that most, if any of them would survive the war with the Earl and his Noah, but that was nothing more than the price of duty.

For whatever reason, because of whatever skeletons dwelt in their pasts, every Exorcist felt they _must_ earn their lives and their peace. And Allen was no different. The idea that he would have to earn his eternal peace did not surprise or bother him. He'd had to earn everything he'd ever had his entire life. Why should death and salvation be any different? This line of thinking was nothing more than an extension of the chains of duty he already wore. Of course, it was likely that Allen Walker would always wear chains of some sort. After all, he had placed the shackles of 'salvation' and 'self-sacrifice' around his wrists on his own. When the war was over, the Akuma gone, the ball and chain of duty would fall away and then, maybe, he would remove the heavy iron bands he'd forced on himself.

"_Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."__ (Bertolt Brecht)_

When the war was over, Allen Walker could start living. He could live in fear of nothing more than living an inadequate life, rather than fearing that he wouldn't survive to see tomorrow. He could live for himself, all his promises having been kept, having atoned for all his sins.

When the war was over he could go anywhere, be anything, do anything he pleased. He'd never again have to see the soul of an Akuma, feel the hand of Tyki Mikk slide through his chest, or worry about the Earl and the 14th- except in his nightmares. Perhaps he would finally stop dreaming of the end of the world. If he was particularly lucky, Lenalee would never again cry, except in joy. Lavi's eye would never again be cold and lifeless, his words never again cruel. Kanda would never bleed or die again and he would finally call him 'Allen,' as he said he would if he survived a month at the Order (which he obviously had, bloody lying BaKanda).

But he knew that all of this was just dreams, for now. It was all so far away. Right now he knew that all he could realistically hope for was that they won the war. Nothing more. Right now all he could hope was that they all survived, despite that he wasn't expecting it. War had casualties, he knew, but he could always hope. So that's what he would hope for: that rather than dying _'adequately,'_ they would worry about nothing more than _living_ just as adequately.

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><p>Again, I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and tell me what you think. I'm afraid that some parts might be repetitive after my other fics, so I was just wondering if anyone who's read any of my otehr -Man fics thought the same.<p>

Also, I can never recall if Allen was ten or twelve when Mana died, so if anyone knows which age it was for sure, please let me know.

Thanks for taking the time to read this!


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